Our landlord in Nashville has begun showing our house to potential tenants. We are driving up to Chicago next week to find a place to live, but if our previous house-hunting experiences are any indication, it takes us an average of 4.5 months of serious looking to find a place that is remotely acceptable for our over-anxious, hyper-critical, penny-pinching personalities. And that does not include the eight-month lead time during which I pore obsessively over the online classifieds.

Did I mention that, this time next month, we will be leaving for Hawaii? Between preparing for the wedding and the two (count ‘em) at-home receptions that follow (it’s our very own Nuptial Triple Crown!), we are more or less out of commission for six weeks.

That leaves us about 26 days (and 11 hours, 18 minutes, and nine seconds) to find, tour, finance, inspect, and close on a condo in the city. Not to mention we have to come up with a down payment while also paying for a wedding and honeymoon.

We are about to be homeless.

To top things off, Rob has decided that he wants to spend about half as much on a mortgage than would any reasonable person in our exact same financial situation. It’s all part of his Master Plan to retire by 40 with 20 million dollars in the bank. I’m not overly clear on the details, even though he and Andy have been fine-tuning the Plan for years, but from what I can gather it involves Sara not buying any fine Italian leather goods while living in Italy and me living in a cardboard box under the highway at North Avenue with my fluffy, fluffy white dog.

Of course, he insists on finding this “affordable housing” while not conceding things like central air, newer construction or remodeling, and proximity to the lake, the gym, the El, and a 24-hour Starbucks and Walgreen’s. Oh, and it can’t be in an elevator building, either. Too claustrophobic.

I can see myself with the stringy hair and ruddy complexion already. Maybe I’ll acquire a limp and a cardboard sign with details about my imaginary tour in Vietnam.

Rob’s latest solution: Roger’s Park, the northernmost Chicago neighborhood along the lake, just south of Evanston. Did you know you can buy a three-bedroom walk-up condo with all the bells and whistles for under $200,000? Heck, you can buy a ginormous single-family home for about twice that!

(Note to Chicago virgins: I know it sounds absurd, but that is an insanely good deal.)

So we did a little research and learned from the neighborhood’s website that RoPa is an eclectic and vibrant community, a place where people of diverse economic and cultural backgrounds can live in happy harmony, practically frolicking between their well-priced vintage homes.

Too good to be true? Perhaps, but there’s nothing like a little hope to get you in the mood for packing your bags, even when you practically just finished UN-packing from the last move. Then I stumbled across some less-than-reassuring blogs about Roger’s Park.

Like the one solely devoted to photos of abandoned Cheetos bags found in the neighborhood. That’s right. There are enough discarded bags of Cheetos in RoPa to warrant an entire blog.

Or this one that detailed the police scanner from just two hours on the night of Monday, May 2. Here’s an abridged version that includes only the violent crimes (no noise complaints or parking violations):

11:30 PM - Shots fired, 1200 block N. Campbell - “gang”
11:47 PM - Man with a gun walking around at 47th and Ashland
11:50 PM - Person shot, 1800 block N. California, police looking for “two male Hispanics”
11:51 PM - Man has a gun, 1800 block N. Kedzie
11:54 PM - Dispatcher says there is a “wolf or coyote” spotted at Clybourn and Fullerton. Cops on radio enjoy this. “Can we shoot?” “Tranquilizer darts.” “Come on, it’s only a wolf, you don’t have to shoot it.” “Can we shoot?” “Wolves are endangered.”
12:02 AM - Officer arranges for “removal” of a dead 19 year old female, gunshot to the head, from the ER of South Shore Hospital.
12:05 AM - Man “masturbating in the park.”
12:08 AM - Man with a gun threatened to shoot the caller on 5500 block W. Diversey, caller says he is now walking back toward him.
12:09 AM - Person down, 1400 block W. Farragut Avenue.
12:11 AM - Need evidence technician (ET) to photograph “the victim,” who is in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital.
12:12 AM - Persons waving guns at 53rd and Ashland. They are driving a white Pontiac Bonneville. Reported by people who waved down a police officer.
12:20 AM - Shots fired, 1300 block of (unintelligible).
12:28 AM - ET requested in 10th District to photograph a victim, a “26 year old male black.” One of the perpetrators is in custody.
12:31 AM - Van hit a female “on the expressway” near 1800 block of N. Ashland. Illinois State Police are investigating.
12:34 AM - Two female Hispanics flashed a gun at Ohio and Ashland, then drove eastward. Purple car - another officer calls in that car is seen going northbound on Ashland, chase ensues. “Approaching Augusta…” Moments go by; “Stopped them in 1000 block of N. Ashland. “Request a female officer for a search.”
12:38 AM - Requesting backup for large fight at a house, 800 block of Sacramento.
12:42 AM - Cop radios from house fight, “disregard”
12:42 AM - Person with a gun, somebody’s girlfriend driving dark red or maroon Pontiac with Texas plates. “They’re still in the area” (13th, 14th Districts). Search ensues. Cop on radio, “That car’s been up in this area all night, by Potomac and (unintelligible), was in the are when those shots were fired.”
12:44 AM - (Responding to above) “We stopped that car earlier… We’ll get those plates to you…”
12:47 AM - Person shot, Belmont and (?)
12:47 AM - “We’ve rounded everybody up at (2900 block, Devon).”
12:48 AM - Assault, victim being followed by assailant in 7000 block, N. California. “No further info.”
12:54 AM - “You can cancel that ambulance.”
12:55 AM - Officer reports that a victim is “stable, gunshot wound to the right arm,” ET requested to photograph a silver Ford Taurus. Nobody in custody in the 11th District.
12:59 AM - 5800 block, N. Magnolia - 30 kids fighting out front.
1:05 AM - “Everybody’s dispersed” from fight on Magnolia.
1:04 AM - Robbery; two male blacks, 300 block E. Garfield on Green Line CTA train, took two cell phones and $60.00 cash.
1:14 AM - 8500 block, Marquette; breaking into house, man banging on windows and doors.
1:22 AM - “Shots fired.” “MORE SHOTS!” at Spaulding and Kimball.
1:26 AM - “Subjects ran south from Evergreen.”
1:38 AM - Male posing as a cop, 4400 block, S. ???.
1:39 AM - Westbound SUV on Division, people throwing beer cans as they drive.
1:42 AM - Male Hispanic walking with a gun, 47th and Troupe.
1:42 AM - 50 people fighting on street, 16th and Karlov, throwing bottles at police.

You know something? That cardboard box is looking better and better. Wait, wait, how does that song go? “Young man, there’s a place you can go …”

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